The Courage to Love
In my last relationship, which was a number of years ago now, I secretly knew deep down that I loved him more than he loved me, and that if I left him I would fall apart, and he would just get the next woman to come along.
While he seemed content with out relationship on the surface, every day he would make snide comments about me that he played off as jokes. They hurt me, and when I would address this to him, he would deny it, saying he was just kidding.
The snide comments became him cheating on me. Then lying about it. On some level I knew, because I could feel him pulling away.
And my response was to love him more.
If I just love him more, he will love me back. Isn’t spirituality about being loving?
I began to lavish him with more attention and time and energy. I’m not even sure if he noticed.
Then I fought with him for the love I wanted. I screamed and cried. I whined and pleaded. He never heard me. My deepest fear was true: He didn’t really care.
But that wasn’t about me. It was that he was a narcissist. He was only interested in himself. I just happened to take it personally.
Finally, I knew I had to leave him. I didn’t want to AT ALL. I wanted him to love me, and that’s all I wanted. But I knew I couldn’t change him, and I came to really confront the fact that I was miserable with how he was treating me.
As I contemplated leaving, I thought: but that’s not a very loving thing to do.
But then it occurred to me one day when I was in the middle of my yoga practice that leaving him was THE most loving thing to do. Because it would mean loving myself, the one person I was sacrificing in order to love HIM. And as Tennessee Williams says, “There is a time for departure even if there’s no certain place to go.”
Those initial months without him were very hard on me, especially knowing he had another woman. (I’m not sure there is a deeper emotional pain than someone you love cheating on you.) But I got my hands in the garden, and I wrote every day, and I breathed deep breaths, and gradually, I found a very soulful life without the experience of every day waiting and pleading for someone else to love me. It was relief! I was free.
Alone, I faced my fear of being alone, and began to embrace God, and the earth, and my work. I found very quickly that I wasn’t alone at all. I was surrounded by the miracle of existence in each hour. Beauty surrounded me.
And now, single and dating for several years, often hoping I have met the right man only to discover we are not a match, I again find myself leaning on the courage to love.
First it was the courage to love myself, which meant leaving someone abusive and unkind.
Now it is the courage to trust God, to open myself to loving someone else. And loving them in a way that still honors me. In a way that blesses both of us equally.
There was a book I read at the time of my breakup called Women Who Love Too Much, that got me on my feet, and taught me about loving myself, and not over-giving to someone else. It helped me find my legs beneath me. Love yourself, love yourself, love yourself was the never-ending mantra it gave me.
Now, in the week ahead here in America, we celebrate what might be one of the most painful and beautiful holidays for women –Valentines Day. Inside our hearts we look at that day asking, Am I loved? Am I REALLY loved?
And regardless of whether you feel loved by a significant other or not, I really encourage you to find the beauty of loving yourself, and of celebrating that you are worthy, right NOW, of feeling completely loved. Period. That anything less is not good enough for you. Buy YOURSELF a box of chocolates and a lovely red rose.
Many of the women on my list who responded to my letter last week are caretakers. I heard stories that would make you cry about women who have sacrificed their whole lives to care for an infirm husband, or a sick child, or even themselves as they suffer with cancer.
I want to acknowledge you this week, for all you do. For the love you give. For the tireless care that you offer everyone in your life, often without a thought for yourself.
I pray that you know love in your heart, and that this week, you see your own beauty reflected in the eyes of those around you. And that you feel deeply, deeply loved.
And even if you think you are, you are NOT fat.
Beauty be with you.
Your friend,
Kaia
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Tags: Beauty, breakup, cheating, chocolate, courage, love, men, rose, Valentine, Valentine's Day, women
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